Friendly advice needed

I am 11 weeks and need to make a decision quick. I ordered a MA through the mail around 8 weeks and have been stewing on making a decision since. I have have one child, and have had two abortions, all from the same guy. I feel a deep anger towards him. We agreed in him taking the sole responsibility of protection during sex but he deliberately failed me. I’m so hurt and I feel like this is the straw that’s going to break my back. I feel stupid, violated, and disrespected for putting my trust in him after the two previous incidents. I have had no emotions of intimacy, love or bonding with him during this time. I feel nothing but disgust and anger when I look at him. I don’t want this pregnancy but I also want to have another abortion. I don’t have the balls to do it this time around. I don’t know if it’s guilt or seeing my son grow up with out a sibling (he’s homeschooled & is getting a bit lonely) but I can’t muster up the courage to make a decision. It feels unreal, how stupid can I be for being in the position again?

I don’t have anyone to confide in and to top it off I’m in a red state. Any advice will be appreciated.